The Kattelox Times

July 5594

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SCIENTISTS RECEIVE GRANT FOR RESEARCH
A team of scientists have announced that they have successfully secured a research grant from Kattelox City Hall for their latest investigations into curiosities on the surface of the island. So far they had studied animal and plant life on the surface, most famously investigating the possibility of reaverbots being an evolution of the domesticated cat ("They're both reclusive and both wildly dangerous when provoked," said lead researcher Dr. Williams roughly a year ago. "It was a shoe-in.").

The research team says they're now investigating why residents and tourists alike are compelled to avoid, at all costs, walking on the strange dark grass outside of town. Said Dr. Williams on this project, "The plants may be sentient and telepathic. They might be able to subconsciously convince other sentient creatures to keep off of it. We believe that's why animals are largely unaffected."

Critics and skeptics of Dr. Williams and his research have alternative theories. "It's quite obvious there's a giant invisible wall or forcefield," skeptic Dr. Millerstone said. "Sentient, telepathic grass is just plain silly!"

City Hall has given reason for the grant, and where it had come from. "The research grant is from our transportation budget," this month's fiscal report read. "Their findings will largely determine if the proposed island highway can go ahead with construction."

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BEDS FOR BOTS UNDERWAY; 25 MATTRESSES DONATED
The Beds for Bots effort, a project by the newly formed 'Zakobon Bedtime Curfew Initiative' group, has been accepting used mattresses for roughly a week now, which will be donated to reaver clusters who are effected most by a disturbing trend of insomnia, as reported a representative from the group yesterday. "We're doing important work, here," the rep. said. "These distraught reaverbots are ruthlessly being hunted for their zenny and their parts. It would be no different to people hunting each other for blood and organic tissue. It would unravel even the most civilized of creatures. We're hoping that this program will act as a sign of peace and goodwill between our two civilizations, our two worlds, and open up a forum of discussion, and of learning, and of mutual benefit. These devices...rather, these creatures are centuries older than us, and we have much to learn from them."

No comment was available when the Kattelox Times attempted to contact the group or the representative in response to the incident 3 days ago, in which a volunteer delivering a mattress into the ruin had his back and legs severely burnt by arms fire from a Sharukurusu. This is the first incident involving a reaverbot since digging as a profession declined drastically back in late March when the Digger's Guild was involved in a large scandal that ended with the jailing of dozens of people, as well as the Guild and several connected organizations and corporate entities dissolving.

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ANIMAL CLINIC SITUATION UPDATE!
An informant within Gold City's City Hall has leaked information, exclusively to The Kattelox Times, of funds recently being transfered to the Animal Clinic Rebuilding Task Force to rebuild the animal clinic with higher defenses against pirate attacks, arsonists, and vandals armed with spray paint. There's also a rumour spreading around that the task force is in contact with the Nino army base...one can only speculate if such a relationship exists, what the fruits it might bear.

In a related story, the Kattelox Hospital, as well as care stations in Saul Kada and Yosyokne have ceased treating domesticated animals in hopes of minimizing the possibility that they'll become possible targets as well. Quoting one Gold City resident, "It's 5582 all over again". We'll continue to report developments, and KTOX-TV will bring you up-to-the-minute coverage.

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KTOX-TV ANNOUNCES NEW REALITY SHOW!
KTOX-TV has announced they're holding auditions for a new reality show, tentatively called 'Storefront Guru', set to start production this fall. The premise is that a person must live in a storefront for 1 month while every day solving puzzles and mind games to win zenny.



The former owner of the building and High-Necked Records has been quoted as saying "I never expected I'd be selling the lot to...[KTOX]...but I can't complain, they paid more than 4 times the asking price...it's more than I ever made with the business. I figure I've finally broken even."

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THIS MONTH'S HOROSCOPE
Here at the Kattelox Times, we like to give our readers what they want. A recent poll around Uptown revealed that residents would like a divination and astrology column. Readers are welcome to give their feedback by sending a letter to the KTOX Media building in Uptown.

ARIES: Your impatience will lead to quarreling at the dinner table. Consider calming down and letting the ketchup come out of the bottle on it's own terms.
TAURUS: Don't let laziness overcome you. Walk to the bus stop instead of flagging it down at the street corner.
GEMINI: You will tend to be more talkative over the next month. That being said, don't resort to talking to yourself if you can't find anyone to chew the fat with.
CANCER: Just because you're a little eccentric doesn't mean you're a bad person. Consider becoming a comedian.
LEO: Those around you will probably enrage you. You can fix that with a swift bop between the eyes.
VIRGO: Let a little chaos into your life. We don't know what good it'll do ya, but it might be fun to try anyways.
LIBRA: You are balanced, as per your symbol, but your car's suspension isn't. You should have it inspected by a mechanic.
SCORPIO: Don't be envious because your neighbour has nicer things than you. If all else fails, use fire.
SAGI: Don't let your impulsiveness rule your life. Limit yourself to a maximum of 15 licorice ropes at the shop counter. Also consider putting a zenny in the 'Need A Zenny, Take A Zenny; Have A Zenny, Leave A Zenny' tray.
CAPRI: Determination is your strength and your weakness. You should become determined above all else to fix that.
AQUARIUS: You should keep in mind that despite being the water bearer, you aren't a drinks server. Tell them to get it themselves.
PISCES: Your paranoia is justified. Hide. They're probably watching you right now.

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