The Kattelox Times

January 5595

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TODAY IN HISTORY
December 18th, 5584 - exactly 10 years ago today - was the famous incident of the yellow flutter crash landing in the clearing in the middle of what is now Clozer airport and casino. While many of us hate that young blue-armoured digger for disturbing our relics, cleaning us out of refractors (leading to the famous blackout of '86), he did open our eyes to all of the truth behind the rumours of mass slaughter every 100 years (leading to the mass riots of '85, '89, and '92) as well as helping ourselves better the island and our beloved town with advancements we never considered to be a priority (the airport, a fire department, a bomb squad, and laws restricting comic book sellers from openly promoting nudie magazines).

He did a lot for our great island, which can't be denied - even if some don't want to admit it, he had a positive impact on this island (and not just in the form of a crater in the middle of Clozer woods)...he touched most of our lives, many of whom still look up to him as an inspiration despite his misdeeds and obvious connections to air pirates, theives, drug lords, scam artists, liars, and senile old men who'd blow up an entire island without a second thought over a deep, dark, suppressed fear of automatous birds.

Whatever adventures he's on now, whatever stories go untold...we salute you, Mr. Hippopotamus.

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VACATIONING WOMAN INSTITUTIONALIZED
This week a female Yosyonke postalworker, who two weeks ago left for a vacation for Manda Island, was institutionalized into a care facility by her family after she had repeatedly claimed to have telepathically communicated with the animals during her stay.

"We think she's just had a few hallucinations from her stay... the island has a much warmer climate than she's used to, and with heat exhaustion, an unpurified water supply, and sub-standard accomidations, we believe she's in a temporary delirium and that she'll be back on her feet in a few weeks." a health worker from the centre has told us, during a short phone interview.

The family has requested her name not be published, but with only 2 people on the Yosyonke postal force, I think we all know who's coo-coo for Zakopuffs.

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ANIMAL CLINIC DESTROYED AT OWN HAND
Last night, the Animal Clinic celebrating it's reopening to the public after several generous contributions, however is once against in rubble today as the gala's fireworks display took a tragic turn for the worse when numerous rockets and explosives were propelled into the building, lighting the building up from inside with bright blues, greens, and purples, before settling on an orange glow.

The only comment obtainable from the clinic operator is that he "should have listened to [his] father and opened up a Tailor Chinos franchise like [his] brother".

A reminder to all townspeople, as a famous KTOX gameshow host said, "Help control the pet population. Have your pets fixed or castrated."

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KATTELOX TIMES ACCUSED OF INACCURATE REPORTING
Recently the paper has come under fire by critics claiming that we fabricate the news to a degree to secure subscriptions and newsstand sales. While we can't deny the fact that we sensationalize the news to a degree, it was best said by our editor-in-chief, "Normal people and their daily lives are too boring. It needs to be spiced up a little before people want to read about it."

A reader, under the pseudonym 'JMC', wrote in in defense of our articles...

"I thought that was an awesome article...fibe...not that I understand it. You know, I'm not that stupid...I think, at least...that's a good thing I think. I couldn't tell. I can say whatever I want, dur."

...or, at least, we believe he's defending us. To be honest, we can't make heads or tails exactly what he's trying to say. Nonetheless, reader support is always enjoyed, and we read every letter that comes in before we burn them in our incinerator to keep the building warm.

So are we making the news up? I think it's safe to say that if you're still reading our paper, you either don't care or believe that this is all real, to which we thank you for the money you'll spend on future issues.

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THIS MONTH'S HOROSCOPE
ARIES: Cheesies always go over well at large parties.
TAURUS: Buy that special someone a set of brushes, even if it means pawning your watch. They'll love you for it.
GEMINI: Don't forget to pay royalties this year if you go out carolling!
CANCER: If you're desperate, you can always sell a pint of blood for some gift money.
LEO: Beware the cheese vendor.
VIRGO: Avoid the fish. Choose the steak.
LIBRA: A deep secret will be revealed to all at the cost of your pride and ego. Exploit the situation for profit.
SCORPIO: Don't be taken in by the crass commercialism by the season. If you want something, treat yourself to a five-finger discount.
SAGI: Donate a couple zenny to a charity, and good luck will come your way.
CAPRI: Don't be discouraged. Warmer weather is just around the corner, unless you live in Calinca.
AQUARIUS: 69,105 will be an important number to you in the near future. Remember it.
PISCES: No, there isn't REALLY a dead Pokte prince who's left you a large sum of money...

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